There are some sentences that turn your world gray in the blink of an eye. For many parents, “Your child has autism” is one of them.
I remember the weight that can come with those words. Even when you have a medical background like me and understand that autism is a neurodevelopmental condition, knowledge does not make you immune to the emotions that come with hearing the diagnosis applied to your own child.
As a doctor, I knew the terminology. As a mother, I heard something much bigger. I heard questions about the future.
Will my child speak?
Will my child go to school?
Will my child make friends?
Will my child be independent?
Will my child marry or get married? I can add one another that i commonly hear from the different families I have supported: Will the father of my child stay?
And perhaps the most difficult question of all: What do I do now?
When The Diagnosis Becomes Personal
In medicine, we are trained to gather information, interpret findings, make diagnoses, and develop management plans. But when the patient is your child, the experience is different.
You are no longer looking at a diagnosis from a distance. You are looking at the child you carried, loved, dreamed about, and imagined a future for.
The diagnosis can suddenly feel as though it has become the headline of your child's life. But that's not true, although it may feel like it is at that moment.
The Emotions You May Feel & Why They Are Normal
If you have just heard those words, please hear this: What you are feeling is normal. You are not alone, and you are not a bad parent for feeling it.
I have sat with hundreds of mothers and fathers who felt exactly like you do. We do not move through these emotions in a straight line. You may feel them all in one day, or one may stay for weeks, or they may come back months later. It may take days, weeks, months, or even years.
You may feel:
Shock and Numbness: "I heard the words, but I felt nothing. I was just blank." This is your mind protecting you. Many parents tell me they walked out of the clinic and can't remember what the doctor said after that.
Denial or Rejection: "No, not my child. They will outgrow it. The doctor is wrong." This is normal. It’s not ignorance; it’s your heart needing more time to catch up with the news.
Guilt: "Was it something I did in pregnancy? Did I work too much? Is it because I let him watch TV?" As a mother, I felt this too. Let me tell you: Autism is not caused by your parenting. It is not your fault. What you did or did not do
Grief: Grief for the future you had imagined. You may find yourself mourning the child you thought you would have, even while you fiercely love the child in front of you. Both can be true.
Fear and Anxiety: About school, about speaking, about bullying, about who will care for your child when you are old. The questions I listed above; every parent asks them.
Anger: At the doctor, at your spouse, at God, at the world. "Why my child?"
Relief: This one surprises people, but it is very common and very valid. "Finally, we have a name. Years of uncertainty now have an explanation. Now we know what to do." If you felt relieved, you are not alone.
Loneliness and Isolation: No one in my family understands. My friends stopped visiting. I feel alone in a crowded room.
You may feel surprisingly calm, and then suddenly burst into tears in the supermarket, when you're seeing them off to school, or when you just remember your neighbor's child waving goodbye. All of these responses are human.
How To Deal With The Emotions: Rome was not built in one day; take one day at a time
Healing does not come from pretending you are fine. It comes from allowing yourself to feel. Here are ways that have helped the parents I walk with and me:
1. Permit yourself to feel, without judgment.
Don't rush to "be strong." If you need to cry, cry. If you need to sit in silence, sit. Say it out loud: "Today I feel guilty and scared, and that is okay." Naming the emotion takes away some of its power.
2. Don't carry it alone. Talk to someone safe.
Find one person who will listen without fixing or judging: your spouse, your sister, a trusted friend, another autism mother, a counsellor, teacher, trusted family member, friend, or a religious leader. In our culture, we are told to be strong. Strength also means asking for support.
3. Write it down.
I started journaling: even 5 minutes at night. "Today was hard because..." Putting it on paper keeps it from spinning in your head.
4. Join a community that gets it.
You are not the only one. When you meet other parents who have asked "Will my child speak?", the loneliness breaks. A WhatsApp support group, a clinic parent group, or a community meeting can be life-saving.
5. Care for you; your body holds your emotions.
Do anything that makes you feel like you're taking care of yourself. It could be physical exercise, watching a movie, comedy, gardening, etc. Because you cannot pour from an empty cup. Your healing will positively impact your child, and I know that is very important to you.
6. Take information in small doses.
You don't have to learn everything about autism today. One step at a time. One appointment, one skill, one day.
7. Pray, meditate, or sit with your faith if it comforts you.
Many parents find strength in prayer, in scripture, in quiet reflection.
This journey usually has stages before acceptance, but acceptance does not mean giving up. It means saying: "This is my child. He has autism. He is so much more than a diagnosis. And we will walk this path together."
I can’t tell you with certainty when the acceptance season will arrive. For some it is days, for others weeks, for others months. But because you are here, reading this, you have already taken the first step on the journey of healing and acceptance.
And as the Chinese proverb says: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
